Same Words, Different Language
Masculine and feminine styles of speaking may often use similar words to communicate completely different things. All people can exhibit both types of speech at various points in their lives and can shift based on the person they’re talking to. This illustration is a simplified representation of how I envision gendered discourse to look. Although, I admit this representation is an exceedingly narrow point of view, and people are much more complex than my rendering suggests. This project was intended to be fun and introspective.
Considering the bell curve, most women use feminine speech most often. This style is naturally collaborative, characterized by forming connections, exhibiting empathy, and strengthening relationships. Masculine speech is more task-based, goal-oriented, or individually focused—often absent of feelings. These two styles may occasionally overlap on an individual basis, as we all fall within some spectrum of preferences. As if word choice wasn’t enough of a challenge to interpret, experts believe that our non-verbal expressions and gestures make up more than 90% of what we communicate—that’s a lot of room for error. Failing to understand others’ styles can lead to conflict.
You shouldn’t be feeling your feelings, so let’s fix them!
Occasionally, when I voice a stressful situation on a typical day, my husband may begin rattling off words of advice on how to “solve” this challenge. The problem is that I often seek assurance that my feelings are warranted. However, when he responded with solutions on how to get rid of my feelings, I became irritated.
If I had less emotional intelligence, I might interpret his response as insensitive to my feelings, as if to say, “You shouldn’t be feeling your feelings, so let’s fix them!” In this frame-of-reference, when he tells me how to work through a challenge, I might interpret that
he thinks I played a role in my problem,
he thinks my feelings are irrelevant and I need to get over it, or
he doesn’t think I’m smart enough to solve it on my own.
Luckily, I understand that when he freely offers advice, he’s actually demonstrating his concern for my frustration and wanting to help. What a guy!
There have been instances where we misunderstood each other, mostly due to uncommunicated expectations. However, through patience and practice, we’ve learned that clarifying our intentions upfront and always seeking a place of understanding allows us to navigate our differing communication styles more effectively and lovingly. This journey has shown us that with dedication and understanding, it’s possible to bridge the gap in communication and strengthen relationships.
The Takeaway
Bear in mind that there is a distinction between masculine speech and “Locker-room talk,” which is not masculine or feminine—it’s disrespectful. If you have to say, “boys will be boys,” then someone somewhere is sparing the rod.
Try to listen to your spouse when they’re describing an issue—really listen to their tone, body language, everything—before responding. When they say, “I don’t care what we have for dinner,” they could be saying, “I have some preferences, but don’t want to sway you—I would like you to make suggestions.” Or they could be thinking about money, “I care, but what I want is probably too expensive, so I’m afraid to suggest it.” It can go both ways. We will probably never all communicate the same—because gendered speech also varies across cultures—but the idea is just to take time to try to understand the other person. Respect—that’s what it’s about, and giving others the benefit of the doubt before reacting.
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